30 Days of Thankfulness- Health

I wrote part of this two days ago, and part of it this morning. So if it doesn't make sense, that's why, and I'm sorry. 

I have a doctor's appointment today, so I thought writing about health would be appropriate.

I have a lot I could be ungrateful regarding my health. Like the fact that every night around 12:30, I wake up gagging and spluttering. I'm so surprised by everything (particularly the gagging, since that is already my biggest anxiety trigger) that I end up panicking. Sometimes it's not for very long. Sometimes it lasts around an hour. I usually end up getting a small bottle of Sprite from my fridge (sipping it usually makes me feel a little better), reading my Bible verses and reading the news online after taking an anxiety and a nausea pill to help me get back to sleep. Then, from the time I go back to bed until about 5 am, I have lots of nightmares and sleep really fitfully. But after that I usually do ok.

I could be ungrateful for the fact that I woke up at 2:30 am this morning, feeling like I was being choked. I tried to stay calm on my own, and didn't take any medication (but did rummage around for a cough drop.) I didn't go back to sleep until probably 4:30 or so...and then woke up at 6. I could be ungrateful for the fact that this time I woke up, I was absolutely terrified. I felt like I was under spiritual attack. I know not all my friends believe in that sort of thing, but there is a very distinctive feel to it. I felt like someone was deliberately trying to keep me afraid, like some kind of horror movie where a psycho taps into your brain and tries to make you miserable. I knew that I needed to go ahead and take my medicine, and to get out my little notebook full of Bible verses and start reading them. I don't know why, but I felt like this was all connected to my doctor's visit later today. Like that's something to be afraid of, or certain forces of evil would rather I stay home. I don't understand it, that's just the way I felt. It's been about an hour since this round of crazy started and I am really not feeling great. My chest is heavy and I feel a little puke-ish. My head is starting to get fuzzy from the medication, which is sort of a good thing, but I need to be awake now because I have things to do. And I still don't feel back to normal, so I can't start doing them now. But I'm grateful for the fact that I have not actually been physically ill (yet.) I'm thankful I was able to text my mom a little while ago and ask her to pray for me, and that she is awake and responded. I am thankful I didn't bother Brandon too much when I was wandering around in the dark trying to find my "survival supplies" (Sprite or ginger ale, book of Bible verses, iPod, saltines, tissues, plastic bag in case I get sick.) At least I think he stayed asleep. He did shush me one time when I cleared my throat or something. But that very well could be a reflex reaction he could do in his sleep.

I do not have the best health. I have a bad back, depression, severe anxiety, and a completely screwed up digestive system. Something always hurts. Even though I always have something I could complain about, I do have a lot to be thankful for, health-wise. I haven't spent months at a time in a hospital, like some of my friends. Although I fight with my tummy constantly, my issues are not always debilitating, which is nice. After years and years and years, I have finally found a reflux medication that has worked for me long-term (I have taken everything on the market. Everything.) I'm thankful that the drug company offers a discount program, so I am able to afford to take the medication I need to keep me from spewing all the time. I'm thankful that I have not had to be hospitalized for my depression or anxiety, though I have come close on a couple of occasions. I am thankful I have medication for that, too, and I'm thankful that it's cheap!

I have aches and pains, but my problems are not as serious as some people's, and for that, I am thankful. I have never broken a bone. I have never had serious burns. I've never even been stung by a bee! I have a lot of problems, but I manage. I'm thankful that I have an iron will and am able to bring myself to do what needs to be done and go to the places I need to go. I am thankful I have not succumbed to my agoraphobia and become a recluse.

I am thankful for my doctors, particularly the one I'm seeing today, who is smart and funny and listens. It is so nice to be heard. It's nice to know that my doctor actually cares about how I'm feeling, and will do whatever he can to help me feel better- even seeing me on a day he normally doesn't see patients. I'm thankful he is nice to talk to. He is so friendly, it really helps put patients at ease. I'm thankful that he'll call in prescriptions for me, even without an office visit. And I'm thankful he's in my insurance network!

I am thankful that I have health insurance, and have not gone without it, even when times were pretty tough. Because of the issues I have, even going through a short time period with no health insurance could have caused some very serious financial problems down the road because of those stupid "preexisting conditions" thingies. I'm thankful that my insurance also covers so much of the cost of some of the medications I need to take. I'm thankful that we have better insurance now than we did when we first got married (I maxed out our plan in our second month of marriage with a routine upper GI scope, which really caused problems when I needed to have my gall bladder taken out later that year.) I am thankful that I don't have to worry about which medication I'll have to give up because of the cost (I have been there before, too.)

So there you have it. Even though I have a lot I can complain about, I have a lot to be thankful for!