I need a map.

There have been many moments over the past week when I have come to this page and started a post. Or thought about starting a post. I feel like I have so much to say, and so many prayers to ask for. I always change my mind about posting because I don't want to seem like I'm complaining, and I don't want to deal with any backlash about what I have to say. Each time I have started a post, or formulated one in my head, I've given too much information, and been too bitter and angry and not a good representation of what a forgiving, Christian person should be. So I will try to keep this short- which should be a prayer request in itself, since you all know how much I like to write.

This post is about direction. And needing a map. And I can't think of maps without thinking of Spongebob. So there's your explanation for this picture. 

The past week has been horrendous. I want to say "hellish" but I am not a fan of swearing, and I come from a background that considers the word "hell" to be unspeakable even if you are reading it straight out of the Bible. So let's just say that it was horrendous. And painful. There has been a lot of upheaval in my life. I already consider my home life to be frustrating many days, because of things I have discussed here before- financial struggles, and personal challenges, and that gnawing ache that I always have at all times- longing to be a mom and live the life that I had planned for myself for a long time. Recently, there seemed to be a light at the end of the tunnel- the full-time position I have literally been waiting 8 years for finally opened up at work. I am comfortable at my job. I love working in a library. I love books. I love literacy. I love seeing kids get excited about reading. I have thought for a long time that the library is where I would stay- but eventually I would go full-time, so I could do things like pay more than the minimum balance on my student loans, and buy groceries other than spaghetti and hot dogs. And then the big things would come, like replacing broken furniture and finally painting over the patched-up walls we inherited when we moved in. Making our house a home. Filling it with kids.

I found out last week that around the time we found out that this job would be opening up- about six weeks ago- some of my coworkers started complaining about me to management. And by "some," I mean "75%." I work with a small group of people, and feel like I am friends with all of them- and none of them have ever expressed any problems with me, personally or professionally. The interesting thing is that what they were saying was just completely false. Made up. Also known as "lies." And because of the fact that I work hard and am not a jerk, my managers were able to tell me in my super-awkward meeting last week that they had not seen evidence of any of these complaints. I take comfort in that. I wasn't in trouble, I was being given a heads up, because the situation was downright weird. And so I went home and cried. For a long time. It's extremely startling to find out that you can essentially trust no one. I am a pretty trusting person. When I am not at home with my husband, I am with these people. I felt like I knew them pretty well. Apparently that is not the case.

I went back to work and continued being kind and working hard, as I have always done. Time passed, and I had my interview for the position, and things went very well. And then, a week from the day of my super awkward terrible meeting of horrible-ness, I had another meeting. This one was also informative- I did not get the job for which I had applied, and the position would instead be going to my coworker. And I will let you take all those facts- the timing of when the complaints started, and the fact that I only work with about four other people and at least three of them have been complaining about me- and I will let you come up with your own conspiracy theories about what might be going on. I had some of my own, but I have decided to stop caring. This situation and the people that created it are just not worth the energy or time or space in my brain.

I so desperately wanted to go full-time. I wanted the money. I don't feel like it was for greedy or selfish reasons- it's not like I'm sitting at home thinking I'm going to be able to go out to fancy restaurants and buy designer handbags, like some people I know who claim to be in equally stressful financial situations. No, going full-time for me would mean less shame, because my husband works so hard at his physically demanding full-time job, and I work 20 hours a week in what is essentially a big room full of books and computers. It would mean being home with him more often, because I'd work a schedule more similar to his. It would mean being able to call a repairman because our air conditioning is out and it gets so hot in here that it makes me sick. It would mean actually eating vegetables once in a while, and feeling better physically because I'm eating more than just bread and peanut butter for two meals a day. It would mean being able to go to the dentist and get my teeth fixed once and for all, and not fearing every noise my old car (or my husband's older car) makes, because a mechanic is probably out of our budget, and a replacement vehicle definitely is. It would mean more sponsorships of Compassion kids. And regular tithing. And mission trips. And adoption.

I set my sights on this mythical light at the end of the tunnel, and the tunnel collapsed. My pain and upset is partly my own fault for focusing on that dumb light too much.

Moving forward, I am trying to be grateful that this opportunity didn't work out. I am not angry toward the people who have hurt me, but I certainly have no interest in trusting them anytime soon. It is possible to forgive someone while at the same time saying "you're never going to do this hurtful thing to me again, because you won't have the opportunity." I should consider it a good thing that I am still working part-time, because who wants to spend more time with malicious, dishonest people? Who wants to spend more time in a poisonous environment? Not me. At least, that's what I'll keep telling myself. Meanwhile, I am finally looking to move outside my once-comfortable comfort zone, and am currently seeking other employment. The best situation would be for me to find a full-time job somewhere, but if it comes down to it, I may wind up working two jobs (which means more gas and more wear-and-tear on my car, but I digress.) I have never worked anywhere else. Up until today, I hadn't created a resume since high school. I sent an email on a longshot opportunity and got a response asking for my resume and answers to a few questions- we'll see what happens. But something needs to change. I can't keep going the way I have been going, even though changing direction is scary and uncertain.

Remember when I said I'd try to keep this short? This is my attempt at short. Trust me, I could have shared a lot more. I just really need prayer. I want prayer. Your prayers, because mine aren't amounting for much right now. Life has been knocking me around pretty hard lately- and I will spare you the details, but there's a lot more going on than what I listed here. This is just what's at the forefront of my mind right now, and probably the biggest single thing, since it involves life changes. I would love it if you would be praying for me, friends. Pray that I will find the courage to move on with my life, after sitting still so long, waiting for something that wasn't meant to be. Pray that a good opportunity will make itself known to me soon. I'm not looking to be a millionaire here. I just want some stability. I don't want to live in fear. Don't want a bigger house, just want to be able to take care of the one I have. And put some tiny humans up in those spare bedrooms that have been sitting empty for too long. And pray for patience and positivity, too. Staying positive is really challenging right now. Some days I struggle to have any good thoughts- so I think about my kids. Just list them all by name in my head, even if I can't muster up a prayer for each of them at that moment.

Hopefully I will have some halfway good news on this front to share with you soon.