A list.

I once read that if you have a lot to do, it helps to write everything down in a list. When you see your list written down, your tasks no longer seem so insurmountable, and you realize there is actually a lot less on your list than you originally thought. I'd like to see if this also applies to other kinds of lists. I'm sure if I were to actually write down all the things I need to do around the house, both those things that need to be taken care of sooner rather than later, and the stuff that just needs to be done before January 14th, I would probably feel a bit better about that area of my life (you know, the housekeeping and organizing area.)

This evening, though, I am not overwhelmed with housework, because I am feeling so overwhelmed in almost all the other areas of my life. I'm hoping that by writing down the things that are stressing me out, I will feel a little less overwhelmed.

This week has been rather difficult for me. On Tuesday night, I was extremely upset and stressed about some things that are going on in my life right now. I cried a lot and was up really late. After finally going to bed around 3, I really struggled to wake up in the morning. I got out of bed around 9, fixed myself a glass of chocolate milk, and went back to bed. I couldn't get up until almost 1:30 in the afternoon this time. I felt really sick, like I had the flu, but without the respiratory symptoms. Because I felt so nasty (and I spent much of my time asleep), I got really dehydrated, which makes me have heart flutters and chest pains. So for the past several days I've been trying to move past that. Even though I know what is causing them (or at least, I think I know), that doesn't mean I'm any calmer when they happen. When I was very small there was a commercial played on TV a lot that described what a heart attack feels like. And ever since that time, even if I have the slightest tingle in my chest, my left arm will start to hurt and I'll think I'm going to die. Or if my left arm hurt, I'd start getting imaginary chest pains. Lots of fun for a seven year old, let me tell you. But I really haven't become any more rational about this subject as I have grown older. I actually think it's worse now in some ways because I am aware of people, mainly celebrities (John Hughes, Tim Russert, Douglas Adams) whose hearts just gave up on them and they died way too young (even though they were all at least twice my age.) Also, now that my surgery is officially less than one month away, I'm starting to get more antsy about that, which I didn't think was possible, but I am full of surprises.

After having such a horrendous day on Wednesday, I saw something Thursday evening that really brightened my spirits in a major way. Compassion posted on facebook asking for correspondence sponsors. They gave an email address and instructions, saying that the people who requested an additional child would receive an email confirmation, and then they would get their info packet in a few weeks. They also said that each person who responded would only get one child. I sent in my ecstatic, overjoyed email about three hours after the original post, slightly worried that I would miss the boat this time around but feeling comforted by the fact that they did say they would add everyone's names to the waiting list. I didn't expect to get an email for a few days. I was very surprised to see the next day that several online acquaintances (and random people around the internet) had already had their new kids added to their accounts! And several of them got two kids. I know of four people who got two, even though the post said everybody would get one. I am very happy for my fellow sponsors and their ever-expanding far-away families, but I am a little worried about my situation. I haven't received an email, and there are no new kids on my account. I would be thrilled to have two new correspondence kids, but I really would be happy with just one. I have asked a few people online if they got emails before they got their kids (so very very quickly!) but I haven't received any responses yet. I know this is an extremely silly thing to be worried about, but Compassion and child sponsorship are very, very important to me. My sponsor kids are my life, basically, and I am always praying that we will either have the opportunity to have another correspondence kid, or that we will somehow find ourselves financially able to do another regular sponsorship. This opportunity felt like an answered prayer, a bit of comfort from my heavenly father after an extremely difficult week. And since things aren't going as smoothly for me as they have for some others, I am starting to worry. I'm worried that my email got lost in the shuffle. I'm worried that if it did, and I try to contact Compassion about the matter, they will tell me I can't have any more correspondence kids (which has happened before- once when they posted on facebook about a need for correspondence sponsors and I called just as the post had said, and again when Tae dropped out of the program and I was initially told that I could go on the waiting list for another child. Both times, the second person I spoke to told me I couldn't have another sponsor child, even though the initial contact had said otherwise. Talk about a scary moment!) We will have to wait and see what the week holds, I guess.

I am not actually going to dwell on this topic, but over the past few days, two of my facebook friends have announced pregnancies, and last night I dreamed that Brandon and I got a little girl to adopt from foster care just in time for Christmas. Christmas is kind of a hard time for me this year because I expected to be at a certain place in the process of adoption, and I am not. And I don't hate other people for having babies, but I have a *lot* of pregnant friends and acquaintances and relatives right now, and it is overwhelming at times.

And lastly, we come to the ever-popular topic of money. Brandon and I are out of it. Well, we have a little money in savings, but we are really trying not to touch it, particularly since we already had to touch it a few days ago to be able to pay the bills that were immediately due. We had some unexpected expenses recently (a flat tire, expired car tags, new prescriptions) and that kind of threw off our budget for the rest of the month. Things will be ok again when he gets paid this weekend, but until then, I have to spend the next five days with $2.07 in my checking account, not much food in the house, and about a third of a tank of gas in my car. Maybe half. I'm hoping it's half. Anyway, the next few days will be super fun and stressful. I hope the weekend comes quickly so we can take care of these other bills that are floating around, but I'm also a little concerned because next week is Christmas, and that means I have to buy some special/extra groceries for my family since I am making everyone breakfast. We'll see how things go.

I am keeping my fingers crossed for a peaceful, low-stress, good-health kind of week this week. Oh, and energy! It would be great to have some energy. I am currently sapped of it. Have been since Wednesday. I feel like I have had mono, or something, the exhaustion is that pervasive and ridiculous.