I don't think I like blogs that share an overabundance of unnecessary information from people's personal lives. I don't think that my blog is that way. But sometimes I am a little saddened by the fact that 99.9% of the time, my posts are almost promotional. Don't get me wrong, I love Compassion and it's something I care very dearly about. But this did not start out as a sponsorship blog. The title and tagline are about me and my husband. I wish that I had more personal posts- not that I think people are dying to read them or whatever. But I wish that I had interesting photos and stories to share with you about my own life, not just for conversational purposes, but because then my life would be a happier thing. If I were posting about decorating my home or great furniture finds, that would mean we were in a better place financially and a persistent source of frustration in my life had been resolved. If I posted recipes and beautiful food photos, that would mean we had found the resources to shop for more than just peanut butter and hot dogs when we are actually able to go to the store. If I had back-to-school photos and cute stories to tell about little ones, that would mean my life's purpose had been achieved and my heart would be more complete.
So sometimes I am sorry that the only things I have to post about are sponsorship related.
I think all of the random and infrequent personal posts I've done lately- maybe this year- are about struggles. Employment issues and depression and anxiety, mostly. I guess I should give an update on that, since I bothered to share about it in the first place and I asked for your prayers.
In some ways, not much has changed lately. I am still looking for a job, though I haven't applied for one in a while. I know I definitely need a new one, for a bunch of reasons. I need more financial stability. I need more hours to improve my sense of self-worth- there are a lot of weird feelings wrapped up in the fact that I only work part time. And it's really hard sometimes, since the person who got the job that I thought I wanted/needed is constantly complaining about it, from the hours to the responsibilities. It's like some sort of weird psychological torture. So this is one prayer request- that I would not let these things get me down too much, and that the right (preferably "perfect") opportunity will open up for me soon, and that I'll know what it is. It would be nice if it would wave a big red flag with my name on it.
The other thing really is pretty personal, and I know that some people in my life probably think that I should keep it to myself. I know of a few people in particular who think I shouldn't say basically anything about my personal struggles, or even my opinions on some things. But I want to for two reasons. For one, I think it's dishonest to project that everything is fine and dandy when it's not. I don't think it's appropriate to respond to every "how are you" with a laundry list of everything that's wrong with our lives, but it's also not fair to yourself or the people who care about you to say "everything's great! Yay!" when it isn't. The second thing is a matter of consistency. I tell people all the time not to be afraid to get help if they need it. I speak out about ending the stigma that comes along with mental illness. I stepped up that game when Robin Williams passed away a few weeks ago, and many people wrestled publicly with the idea that someone who seemed so joyful would end up committing suicide.
I have posted on here before that I have depression and anxiety. This is not a secret. I don't mind telling people about it. I have said within the past few months that life seemed a little more overwhelming than usual as of late, with all these random things that have happened. I did not fully explain how bad it has been. I'm not going to share specifics about what I have been going through, but it has been bad. Very, very hard. Difficult. Most days are a struggle. Most of Saturday and Sunday, I did not have any major breakdowns, and I enjoyed the break from hysteria and sorrow so much that when a few random, slightly irritating things happened on Monday, I got frustrated. I was actually kind of mad at the people who caused these circumstances, because they had disrupted this tiny bit of peace I had been experiencing. And in no way was this weekend blissful- but things have been bad enough lately that two days of fairly normal existence was just a startling change.
The problems I have been having have been so frequent, and they're tied into circumstances and events that have been going on for so long now, that I finally made the decision that I can't do it on my own anymore. Two weeks ago I called about seeing a counselor, and I had my first session last week. I didn't hold out for as long as I did because I was ashamed- if there was shame attached to this, I wouldn't share about my struggles in any sort of public area. I stopped being ashamed of my conditions when I was still in school, because I figured out that other people aren't ashamed of dyslexia or cancer or diabetes or other things that are beyond their control, so there was no reason for me to be ashamed of my anxiety and depression. I was just determined to handle it on my own. I have been for years. I've known that it was cyclical or intermittent or whatever you want to call it. Lately, though, it hasn't been letting up. And it's been more intense. And I got tired of feeling the way I was feeling, and in the interest of my own safety, I sought help. I felt guilty imploring others to seek help if they needed it after Robin Williams' death when I wasn't getting help myself, and now I am. I feel a little relieved. It is good to have someone to talk to. I am going to see my counselor on Tuesdays, and while it is good to have someone to talk to, it's hard only talking for 50 minutes and then still having to deal with life while I wait until the next time I get to talk. But I have hope that things are going to get better, and as I work through some stuff I'm hoping to gain some coping skills and learn how to deal with some of the things going on in my life. And letting go of things that have already happened.
So in closing, I'll say two things again. The first is that I hope you will continue praying for me if you already have been. I have a long road ahead of me. And I'm still carrying a very heavy burden. Please pray that I will stick with this even when it's hard, and that I won't let stupid things get in the way of this healing and learning process. And the second is to encourage you again- if you are struggling, if you are having trouble dealing with things, please look for someone to help, whether it's a doctor or a counselor. Don't wait until it's too late. Don't wait until the burden is so great that it's hard to breathe. Things can get better, and there's no need to be ashamed if you need help getting there.