The countdown begins.

When I went to see my spinal surgeon a little over two weeks ago, I thought that the worst that would happen would be I'd need to wear a brace or something. The word "surgery" did enter my mind, but I dismissed that thought because I usually assume the worst in any given medical situation. I was a little surprised to learn that surgery might be in my future, depending on some CT scan results. I had my follow-up appointment this past Thursday, and I figured the worst possible news would be that I would need surgery. It turns out that two surgeries could be in my future! I was definitely not expecting that.

My CT scan showed that I definitely have a non-union (failed bone graft) in my back. So that needs to be fixed. The scan also shows that two of the screws holding the rod in place are a little crooked, and there's some narrowing around them (whatever that means), so they could be pressing on some nerves, causing my pain. We don't know that for sure, though, so we're going to do the bone graft surgery first. It's a smaller incision, easier recovery, less pain (I hope), etc. Within 3 or 4 months, if I'm still having pain, then we'll know that the hardware is messed up and will need to be replaced. That would mean taking everything out and starting all over. More hospital time, even longer recovery, more pain...ick. So we are praying that my problem is the non-union, and that I won't need more surgery. It would be painful and expensive, but there's also the added problem of my job. I will barely have enough sick leave and vacation time to cover this upcoming procedure. And I don't even know that my employer will let me use vacation time for medical reasons. I can't just not earn a paycheck. I can't take unpaid leave. We can't afford it. I think the only way we could manage that is if my husband picked up as much overtime as possible (assuming that he is still at the same job), which would be really hard on him, and then we'd need to try to put a hold on my student loans (or pay ahead a few months- that would be difficult.) Then I think we might be able to pull it off. I'm trying not to think about that too much right now, though.

My surgery is scheduled for January 14th. The two weeks I've spent home from work have been kind of interesting. My anxiety has been present more often than I'd like. I've had several panic attacks, and I feel like I'm on edge all the time. It's not the worst that it's ever been, but it's frustrating. Last Friday I was getting really worried- if I'm this upset and tense now, how much worse is November going to be? And December? And the first two weeks of January?

After talking to my mom about all of this, I've made some decisions. I know that right now, I'm vulnerable to "spiritual warfare", for lack of a better term. That vulnerability is just going to grow as January approaches. So I'm going to give more attention to my relationship with God, strengthening my spiritual armor. I've got some Christian non-fiction books to read, and I'm going to read my Bible more and work to commit more verses to memory. I have a lot of people that will be praying for me (and I really appreciate that.) The next few months are going to be a real challenge, but I know everything will be ok.