Has she ever heard of Google?

I need to take a moment to vent some frustration that has been brewing for a little over a week. There is a personal update in here as well. I promise I'm not trying to openly complain, but I do find writing to be therapeutic, and I need all the "therapy" I can get at this point.

I already posted about my recent visits to the spinal surgeon and my impending back surgery. I don't think I mentioned anything about the pain medications I received on my first visit, though. After looking at x-rays, being told to schedule a CT scan and a follow-up appointment, my doctor asked me if I needed any pain medication. I told him it would be nice to have something fairly mild to take when things are really bad, because over the counter medications really don't help sometimes, and I have to be careful about how many of those I take anyway, because of the way they affect my hyper-sensitive stomach and shredded esophagus (now there's a lovely mental picture.) He told his assistant to write up a prescription for something "light", and headed on his way. Now, this assistant had asked me questions and done a lot of talking to the doctor, but she never actually looked at my paperwork, from what I remember. The people who looked at my paperwork aren't allowed to write prescriptions. I gather they're basically just fancy typists. I'm not kidding- at one point there were three or four medical professionals in the room with us. But I digress. I got my pain pills and waited almost a week before finally taking one, because I wasn't sure how I'd react. I found that they did alleviate the pain for about an hour, but despite being a (very mild) narcotic, they didn't make me tired or have any relaxing effects. I don't take pills to get buzzed, but that little side effect does help if you're feeling really badly. Like with my nausea meds: when I first started taking them, I don't know that they really made me feel better, but they made me too sleepy to care!

Anyway, all in all I maybe took 10 of these pain pills over the course of about three and a half weeks. I had increased anxiety (I have anxiety disorder and depression), more frequent panic attacks, and the episodes were stronger than I wish they were. My "as needed" meds didn't help too much. The absolute worst day was the Friday before last. I was at work. I took a pain pill with my lunch, because I was starting to get to the level of achiness where I have trouble standing up straight. I ate a little too much of my lunch (most of a vegetable sandwich. Not a feast by any means, but my appetite has been a little funny lately.) I went back out to the desk to get back to work, and I could tell that something was going to act up- whether it was my stomach or my anxiety. I made the decision to go ahead and take a pill for my stomach, because if I could get it settled, I could probably avoid the anxiety issue altogether. But then an unexpected variable was introduced, and some things happened at work that really stressed me out (they didn't affect me directly, but I was really concerned for a coworker.) I ended up getting sick anyway. This all started around 1 pm. I spent the next FOUR HOURS alternating between being physically ill and having some of the most severe panic episodes I've ever experienced in my life. My breathing was out of control, I was flighty and agitated, and I felt paranoid. I pinched and scratched myself more times than I could count (I do it out of unconscious habit- I don't have any control over it.) Out of those four hours, I spent maybe a grand total of 30 minutes at my workstation. The rest of the time I was in the bathroom, in the kitchen sipping Sprite to settle my stomach, looking for my meds, crying while sitting on the bathroom floor...it was just awful. Thankfully I was working with two very understanding people that day, and we weren't busy. Being riddled with guilt about not being where I needed to be didn't help me calm down much. And neither did the TWO xanax I took that afternoon (spaced out, but they should have helped.) Eventually my parents had to come pick me up from work. They arrived at 4:30 and we didn't even have any hope of leaving the building for another 25 minutes, because I was so sick and so worked up. The ride home was absolutely miserable. The next day I had some issues, too, and on Sunday as well. It was a rough weekend.

I just assumed that my anxiety has been in high gear because of the stresses I have in my life right now, with surgery coming up, appointments to be made and Christmas shopping that needs to be done (and is usually done by now) with little to no money in my bank account. All of these things have probably factored into my fragile mental state recently, but the main culprit is the stupid medications that people have been giving me. It turns out that the pain pills the doctor's assistant prescribed to me are not supposed to be taken with TWO of my medications! You know, the drugs that were on the extensive, detailed list they asked me to fill out. The one she never read. I was suffering from serotonin toxicity- which kills people.

Serotonin is a chemical in your brain that basically regulates your moods. If you don't have enough of it, you can be depressed. You can have panic attacks. My brain doesn't make enough of it, which is why I have anxiety disorder and depression. I take medicine every day to help my brain produce enough of this chemical, and to try to keep my levels steady. I have other medication to take on an as-needed basis when things are really bad. This medicine also affects serotonin and other chemicals in my head. If you google the names of my everyday medication and the pain pills I was prescribed, you get red flags all over the place. They are not supposed to be prescribed together, because the pain pills do not react well with the everyday medicine, and together they can make your brain produce waaaaaay too much serotonin. Beyond the amount that just make you feel buzzed. Symptoms include fast, irregular heartbeat, severe agitation, anxiety, paranoia, nausea, and chills, among other things. Serotonin toxicity can be fatal if left untreated, especially if you freaking keep taking the medicines you've been prescribed because your doctors are supposed to know what they're doing. After all, that's what they went to school for- so they don't KILL PEOPLE when trying to treat them. Sheesh.

As a result of this adventure, I've really been off my game lately. I've had more anxiety than usual. Yesterday was my first day in WEEKS that I didn't have to take some sort of medication to keep myself from absolutely losing it. I stopped taking my everyday anxiety/depression pills, because the ones I'm on currently do better for depression than anxiety (I have to switch back and forth every now and then) and can actually make my anxiety worse. The price I will pay for not having crippling panic attacks that keep me from living my life is that I am depressed and more emotionally volatile right now, but I can deal with that. I have before, and I will again. Depression is a lot easier for me to deal with than the anxiety. It has been overwhelming at times (I don't mean right now, but at previous times in my life), but it's definitely easier for me to deal with. And it's temporary. I have a doctor's appointment in a few weeks. We're going to have a long talk about my medicine. I had to switch to a lower dose of another medication I take for another issue, too, because the higher doses can also strengthen my anxiety and mess with my emotional and mental health.

It's been a really rough month or so, with all I've had going on, but I am really happy with the fact that I haven't had to take my "as needed" meds in more than 24 hours. That gives me a lot of confidence. I still haven't been able to get in touch with anyone at the spinal surgery office. I called on Monday because I felt that I should let them know they could have killed me by giving me those pain meds, and I also wanted to know if they could recommend something else I could do about my pain while I wait to have my surgery. I have a little over 2 months to go, and I'm not in any less pain than I was. They are very strict about prescribing medications, so I don't think they would give me another prescription without an office visit, but I still need to talk to them. I didn't hear back from them on Monday. Yesterday (Tuesday) I got a phone call on my cell phone from an unrecognized number. It was after 6, and my husband and I were watching a movie. He told me not to answer the phone because we'd already been interrupted once (boo hoo, who cares) and when I pointed out that it could be the doctor's office, he said "it's after 6. Don't they close at 5?" So I didn't answer. I listened to the voicemail as soon as it came through, and all it said was "hi, this is Mary Jane from Spine Surgery. Sorry we missed you....bye." Very professional, no? She didn't leave a call back number. Didn't mention my name. Didn't say why she was calling. If you didn't know any better, she could have just been calling to say "hi." I had mentioned in the message I left for them (after being looped through the phone system twice) that I had had this reaction to the medication, and all the other details. I was kind of surprised the message didn't say something along the lines of "we're sorry to hear you had this problem with the medication. We apologize for the mix-up. Please call us back when you can, and we'll try to help you out." I called the number back within 45 seconds of missing the call, and, since it was after 6, no one answered! I got a recording. Oddly enough, the recording didn't even give me the opportunity to leave a message saying that they had just called me. I called back this morning and yet again was unable to speak to a human being. I left another message, this time including the bit about how they had called me and I called them right back, to no avail. I finished with "again, I would really appreciate it if someone could call me back regarding this medication issue. It will be more than two months until I have my surgery and I would really like to discuss some pain management options that won't kill me. Thank you."

I still haven't heard back from them.

I'm a little concerned because, although I like my doctor very much, and he was kind and did good work the last time around, I have only had one single pleasant experience with his staff this time around, and that was when I spoke to the surgery scheduling lady. Everyone else has been either rude or clueless. Or unavailable. I am kind of concerned about the whole "switching horses midstream" cliche, so I don't think I want to go looking for a new doctor just yet, but it's definitely something I will be looking into if things don't turn around soon.