Oh happy day...

Brandon's dad came home today! We went to the airport to welcome him home and it was really nice. Then he went home and took a nap. I don't blame him. We are so thankful that he made it back safely and pretty much on time (remember, it took him almost three weeks to get over there when it should have taken a couple of days!) I think we are all thrilled that things can go back to normal now- as normal as our lives ever are, anyway.

Bible Study time!

Bible Study has begun!

We had our first Bible study meeting tonight at BD's Mongolian Grill. This year we will be working through Tammie Head's Duty or Delight. I'm looking forward to it. I saw her speak briefly at Deeper Still back in May and I liked what she had to say. We have almost twice the number of participants that we usually do this year, and that's pretty cool. It's nice to get to spend time with people other than crazy patrons and Brandon. : ) And I'm so glad we asked my mother in law Denise to join us!

Anyway, dinner was delicious (I had rice noodles, broccoli, carrots, edamame, and tofu in peanut sauce-SO GOOD!) and we had a good time. Before it has literally taken us more than six months to get through an eight week study. This time we're doing a six week study and doing two weeks at a time. So we will only meet three times. Hopefully that will help us keep on track. And if we do a good job with this one, maybe we will feel confident enough to do another in the fall. Or winter. Or both. We'll have to wait and see.

Lately God has really been laying some things on my heart, and some of them I'm not so sure about yet- like, I get the feeling he wants me to be doing something, but I don't know what. I hope that I will get a lot out of this study and might find some more clarity regarding what he wants me to be doing.

Waiting and waiting.

I debated whether or not to share this information. If I did share, maybe some people could pray about it with me and that would be great. But if it didn't work out, I'd feel dumb and possibly embarrassed. If I didn't share, then I wouldn't have to explain myself if nothing came of it, but on the other hand, I wouldn't have the extra prayers about it and I think I really do need them. So I've decided to share.

I applied for a different job yesterday.

A few times every year, I get tired of my job (doesn't everyone?) But my dissatisfaction can usually be traced back to a specific person or event, and I am able to work my way through it. Plus I've never really been interested in working anywhere other than the library. Now, though, discouragement seems here to stay. I feel frustrated and stuck. I feel like my coworkers and I don't mesh as well as we used to (we've had several new employees start working with us and several people have left- it's not really anything personal against one person, things just don't click like they used to.) This time, I can't pick one thing to focus on improving about my situation- I am already working my tail off trying to keep from going absolutely crazy in the first place.

Anyway, about a month ago I was puttering around the interwebs, looking for a job for Brandon, and I stumbled upon a full time secretarial position in the international outreach office of my former church. If you know me at all, you know I care about people in other countries (especially kids) and I'm frequently looking for ways to help. I have three child sponsorships through Compassion International, I put together as many shoeboxes as I possibly can every holiday season, and I like to support fair trade organizations like Global Girlfriend, which work to pay women in other countries what they deserve to be paid for the goods they produce. At one point in my life I wanted to travel on one of the Mercy Ships and take other journeys overseas to help people. Because of lack of funds and this pesky anxiety disorder of mine, I have all but ruled out that future for myself. But I digress. I can do secretarial work- I already do it at my current job. And a job that I can do in a field that I love? Sounds exciting!

But I was too chicken to apply. I decided to stay in my comfort zone and languish at the library (sounds sad, doesn't it?) Almost every day since I saw that job, I thought back on it, wishing things could be different and I had the guts to send in an application.

I was up late Tuesday night not feeling well, and on a whim, I went to the church's website again. And there was the job. It was still open. I was shocked! I guess I'm used to the city government's employment page (library jobs are never posted for long.) The next morning, I got up, wrote a resume (the one I had when I applied for my current job is long gone- I only made it for an assignment in high school, and I don't think my employer even looked at it when I was hired), pored over the application, got in touch with some potential references, and submitted my application at about 6 pm yesterday.

Hence the name of this post.

I have no idea if I'll get this job. I don't think I would have felt so compelled to revisit the site if God didn't at least want me to take a shot at it. I'm hopeful and I'm desperately trying to be patient. From the moment I hit the "submit" button, I've worried that I made a mistake in my resume or had a typo in the application. I've worried I said something dumb on one of the questions they asked. Worrying is what I do. But I would really appreciate some prayers on this, that I am doing what God wants me to do instead of what I want to do, and that I will be calm and patient as I wait to hear back about this opportunity (if I hear about it at all- and I really hope I do!)

Cheesy-Onion Cornbread

I am sitting here eating this amazing cornbread I made yesterday, and I thought I'd share the recipe.

2 6oz packages buttermilk cornbread mix (I used Martha White)

1 cup shredded colby-monterey jack cheese blend

Chopped tops of 2 green onions (about 1/4 cup)

1 tbsp butter or margarine

1 1/3 cup milk

Preheat oven to 450. Combine cornbread mix, onions, and cheese in a bowl. Set aside. Put butter in 8x8 inch pan and place in oven for 4-5 minutes, until butter has melted and begins to brown. Add milk to dry ingredients and mix just until combined. Pour batter into hot pan. Bake for 18-22 minutes or until cornbread begins to pull away from the sides of the pan.

And that's it! And it's delicious. I normally don't like cornbread because I kind of choke on it (I have problems with my esophagus and some foods are hard for me to heat) but this cornbread is quite tasty. It's like savory cake. Yum!

Tae's bookmark

I got my information packet on my newest correspondence sponsorship today (that's where you write letters and pray for a kid but you don't actually pay the money, like in a "real" sponsorship.) The new information packets that Compassion sends out are pretty neat- instead of a folder, you get a little booklet, and included in there are a few perforated pictures of your sponsor child. One of those pictures is on a bookmark, and on the back of the bookmark is a list of suggestions for how to pray for your sponsor child every day of the month. The list was pretty neat, so I thought I'd post it here.

1. To accept Jesus as Savior and to grow in Christ

2. To trust God for everything

3. To do well in school

4. For the Compassion center leaders

5. For his (or her) family

6. To resist negative peer pressure

7. To learn good hygiene practices

8. For good nutrition

9. For strong friendships

10. To develop a tender heart

11. To learn God's word

12. For protection from natural disasters

13. To use good social skills

14. For a bright future

15. To develop his (or her) skills and talents

16. To learn from the center programs

17. To make wise decisions

18. For safety in daily activities

19. For freedom from fear

20. For patience and perseverance

21. To resist temptation

22. To always tell the truth

23. For the desire to follow God's will

24. For good sibling relationships

25. For physical health and strength

26. To honor his (or her) parents

27. For a spirit of hope and joy

28. To grow closer to God in prayer

29. For comfort in sadness

30. For stability for his (or her) family

31. For solid self-esteem

I think that those are good things to pray for for any child. I'm blessed to have the opportunity to impact the life of someone who lives so far away. I love my sponsor kids!

My Notebook

I haven't slept through the night in a while.

Sometimes it's been by choice. Like a few nights ago, I wasn't that tired so I stayed up til 2:30 chatting online with friends. Sometimes I stay up late listening to TV shows online. Sometimes I stay up reading a book. My nights have been peaceful, and I haven't been very tired during the day.

Tonight is different.
I have a little notebook that I carry with me everywhere. Most everyone knows about it, but it's such a fun and exciting story that I will rehash it here for those of you who don't. In the summer of 2009, I started taking some medicine to correct some internal imbalance I was dealing with. For whatever reason, no one thought to tell me that this common medication could wreak havoc on a person with a history of general anxiety disorder- a person like me. I took that medication for almost a month, not realizing until more than three weeks in that this sudden resurgence of debilitating panic attacks had started up when this new medication entered my life. It took MONTHS to get that stuff out of my system, and during that time, my life was horrible. Seriously. I had food to eat and a roof over my head, but I couldn't do anything. I couldn't go anywhere or spend time with my friends. I couldn't do my job properly because every night at work I'd have at least one severe panic attack, which apparently caused at least one of my coworkers some irritation since they told my boss I wasn't pulling my weight, as it were. I couldn't eat. Fear had me paralyzed- and my brain is flawed in ways that make it difficult for me to cope with fear.

The only thing that got me through that time and kept me out of the local psychiatric hospital (don't for a second think I'm exaggerating for dramatic effect) was making my little notebook. My mom loaned me her Bible, heavily underlined and annotated, and I worked my way through the Psalms (and eventually a few other books) picking out verses that expressed what I was feeling and wrote them down in my little notebook. I started taking that notebook with me everywhere, to read when things got scary, and it worked. It took some time, but reading those verses calmed me down.

Eventually I got to a point where I was "in the clear" after reading between a dozen and two dozen verses. I knew things were bad when I got to the verses toward the back of the book, the ones I hadn't completely memorized from reading them over and over again. Thankfully since that one awful summer, I haven't had too many times like that. I still have panic attacks sometimes, but they usually aren't very bad and quite often I don't even have to dig my little notebook out of my purse (though if I didn't have it with me I'm pretty sure it would make me nervous.)

I am sad to report that tonight, though, I got to the last page in my little book and still hadn't calmed down. It's taken me a long time to type this (you try writing coherently sometime when your thoughts are zooming at a hundred miles per hour and your adrenaline is higher than Gary Busey- zing) but in order to get myself through whatever it is I have going on tonight, I thought I'd type out some of these verses here. I guess it's kind

of like writing lines when you're in trouble- typing out these words forces me to think about them a little harder than I would if I were just saying them out loud.

Hear my prayer, O Lord; let my cry for help come to you. Do not hide your face from me when I am in distress. Turn your ear to me; when I call, answer me quickly. Psalm 102:1-2

Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. For you, O Lord, have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before the Lord in the land of the living. Psalm 116:7-9

O Lord, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief. Psalm 143:1

For He will deliver the needy who cry out

, the afflicted who have no one to help. He will take pity on the weak and the needy and save them from death. Psalm 74:12-13

When I said "my foot is slipping", your love, O Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. Psalm 94:18-19

Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness; turn your ear to me and save me. Be my rock of refuge to which I can always go; give the command to save me, for you are my rock and my fortress. Psalm 7

1:2-3

Because You are my help, I sing in the shadow of Your wings. My soul clings to You; Your right hand upholds me. Psalm 63:7-8

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken. Psalm 62:1-2

When I am afraid, I will trust in You. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me? Psalm 56:3-4

Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, fo

r in You my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of Your wings until the disaster has passed. Psalm 57:1

Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me. Psalm 54:4

Praise be to the Lord, for He has heard my cry for mercy. The Lord is my strength and my shield, my heart trusts in Him and I am helped. Psalm 28:7a

These are just a few verses that have gotten me through some really rough times (and yes, they helped even tonight.) I hope that they may hel

p you some day when you are feeling down, or scared, or forgotten by God. Even though He doesn't always answer right away- and not always in the ways we expect- He cares for us. He hears our cries for mercy and He comes to our relief. He won't ever leave us or forsake us. Remember that, and let your heart rejoice.

Current events

Can I just say that I am super pumped about this week? Because I have a feeling it's going to be awesome.
Normally talking about my upcoming week is something that I save for my personal journal (which happens to be a composition notebook with a penguin chick on the front- if you ever find it, NO TOUCHING.) But I am so excited about this week I want to share.
Wednesday is my birthday, and since I don't normally work Wednesdays, having the day off wouldn't be anything really special. So I took the rest of the week off! I work a few hours Monday night and Tuesday morning, and then I'm done! I actually have some fun errands to run those days so that makes it more tolerable.
Wednesday my dear husband is working like, 11 hours (I asked off for his birthday...even though he didn't :P )so I will be spending the day with my mom. Because how lame would it be to spend your birthday at home by yourself? We are going to the zoo, and we will get food and go back to my parents' and watch stuff (probably the Office on dvd.) And it will be good.
Thursday is Brandon's day off, so we will spend time together that day. We are going to lunch at PF Chang's and possibly going shopping at the mall. The nice mall, not the one we normally go to. Haha. And it will be good.
Friday is my birthday party! A couple of my friends are coming over to watch movies and eat yummy food. I am so excited because I miss my friends so much- though I get to see my bestie Kelli every couple of weeks (still less often than I'd like), one friend I haven't seen since last October, and the other two since my wedding last January! And even then it's not like we could exactly hang out. We'll eat and laugh, and it will be good.
Saturday I'm going to see A., the girl I mentor. Though we won't be celebrating anything, we will be painting suncatchers and having a nice time. And that'll be good, too.
And lastly, on Sunday my parents are allegedly taking us out to a fancy-ish dinner for my birthday, since Brandon couldn't come eat with us Wednesday and the rest of the time people are working (people that aren't me.)

So as you can see, I have a very exciting week ahead of me, and I am greatly looking forward to it. Yay!