I'm not going to do a mail call post today. I am having trouble loading my letters this morning, so I can't tell you what they said, but I don't think my heart is really in it, anyway. I've got a lot on my mind, and I would like to share a prayer request with you instead.
I don't feel quite as prepared for my upcoming trip to Honduras as I would like to be. And in no way does that mean that I am not excited about it. But I don't feel the way that I thought I would. I think that I've figured out why that is.
For one, I'm not really nervous. I am an anxious person, and feel anxiety about just about everything from time to time. I was very anxious about my trip to Tanzania, because that was my first time traveling alone (or with strangers,) first trip to another country, first trip across the ocean, etc. And now that I've done that, I don't think I'm as anxious about the trip as I thought I would be. Plus Honduras isn't that far away. It's a two hour plane trip from Miami, and I've been to Miami before. To get to Tanzania, I had to fly to Charlotte, then New York (never been there), then to Amsterdam (same) and THEN to Tanzania. And the last two legs of the trip were over seven hours EACH. So Honduras seems easy peasy compared to that, honestly. Because what would have been the scariest aspects of the trip are not "new" to me anymore, I'm not really afraid. And since I'm ALWAYS afraid....it feels weird not to be. When I was a kid, I used to make myself anxious when I wasn't anxious, or make myself sick with worry when my stomach didn't hurt, because the feeling was so unfamiliar, I figured it had to be an indicator that something was wrong. Isn't that sad? Maybe that's part of what is going on here.
The other thing is that I feel I don't have a lot of support. Two years ago, when I was preparing to head to Tanzania, I was part of a Bible study group that met every week. I had a lot of people praying for me all the time, and I knew it. They prayed over me when we were together in person, they texted and emailed when we were apart. Even when our group dissolved a few months before the trip, and I found out that some of those people were not as nice as I thought they were, I knew that they were still probably praying for me. And the nice ones that I wasn't seeing with any frequency definitely were. Some of my friends wrote cards with prayers and well wishes for me to open on different days of the trip. My friend Pat wrote a prayer for each day, based on my itinerary. And everyone knew when my trip was, and they were excited for me and with me. But now, I've completely lost touch with the people from my old study group. I don't have a new one, because small groups at my church always meet when I'm working (a hazard of working two jobs, I guess.) My friends are excited for me, but it doesn't really feel the same. I had prayer warriors before. A small army of people supporting me and backing me up. Now I have a few select friends that are excited to hear about my trip and see my photos. I don't even think my mom knows exactly what day I'm going. I don't mean that I want people fawning over me or that I'm desperate for attention, but my travel is kind of a big deal to me, and the fact that even my own family has kind of a "meh" attitude about it (at least that's the vibe I'm getting) makes me sad. Instead of feeling loved and supported, and feeling like all these people believe in me (because me going anywhere is a big accomplishment) I feel like I'm doing this on my own. It's lonely. And it bums me out sometimes. A part of me is worried that this trip won't go as smoothly as the Tanzania trip did, because maybe all those prayers were what made it go so well. What does an international trip with a minimal amount of prayer coverage look like? Will I get sick? Will I have anxiety issues? Will I struggle to make my connecting flights on time? I don't know. This is the excitement of anxiety.
So my prayer request is this: will you please pray for me to have peace about my trip? And possibly more importantly, pray for me to not notice, or care, about other people's reactions or whatever you want to call it. I would feel a lot better if I wasn't sad about that. Pray that I will be focused and sure-footed and that my joy and excitement about the things to come will completely overwhelm any fluttery, worried feelings that may try to pop up in the next three and a half-ish weeks. I am over the moon that I will get to spend a half day with Zoila at the start of the trip, and a half day with Sandier, Anahi, and Ruth at the end. There are so many good moments on the horizon, and I don't want anything taking away from my excitement about that!