Saturday, February 25, 2017
"What's-a goin' on." -Bret Michaels
Hello! I know I've posted a few project letters from Compassion recently, but not much else. I ran out of steam with my writing challenge- the prompts were getting weird, like "list ten things you want," as in a shopping list. I didn't like it so I didn't keep up with it or seek out something else to replace it. Sorry to disappoint. I had decided that I would check back in and share about my letters every other month, or maybe quarterly, since January was pretty slow for letters from our Compassion kids. It will be like an extended "Compassion Joys" post! :)
As for the rest of my life, things have been kind of a mess lately. I keep wanting to come back and blog, and then it doesn't happen. I think it's like when you're feeling down and really want to talk to someone but you don't want to burden them or put them in an awkward position. Or, conversely, if you're having a really good time and want to share it with someone but you don't want to sound like you're bragging. Sometimes it's just hard to share what I'm thinking and feeling.
Right now, life is weighing rather heavily on me. We are a bit stalled in the adoption process as we haven't yet been able to work out our schedules to take the parenting classes, which is our next step. I am really hoping we will be able to do this in April, but Brandon says he still doesn't know if he can make that work for his work schedule. I say he probably could, since he's the boss, but what do I know? It's also worth noting that when we do attend those parenting classes, it will be full steam ahead, so to speak, for pushing our paperwork through. That means we'd be looking at a matter of months until we received a referral and got to meet our kids, assuming the social workers found a match for us quickly. Since we stated in our paperwork that we are willing to take 2-3 kids, and up to age 9, we have broadened the field for who we might be matched with, meaning the odds are in our favor to be matched quickly. That is SO exciting but also a little intimidating! That means we have to be as ready as possible by the time we start those classes. And in our case, it means replacing my car. We both drive older cars (1996 and 1999!) that have their own issues, cosmetic and otherwise (pieces are literally falling off of Brandon's) and mine doesn't even have a back seat. I have to have a back seat in order to have kids. And buying a new (or new to us) car is a big financial commitment. We are just now getting used to frequently having enough money to both pay our bills and feed ourselves, and I for one experience quite a bit of anxiety thinking about adding a new bill to pay when we've been working so hard to eliminate bills (paying off student loans and medical bills.) You might be thinking "hey, just wait until you have kids! They're expensive!" And that's kind of the point. I just need to calm down about a lot of it and trust Brandon to take care of us and also be careful about my spending. I'm getting there, but it's still new and I feel shaky with it.
One thing I was really looking forward to this year was getting a new job. I really, really thought I was going to get a new job. A full time position opened up at my branch, and I applied for it and was so close. But another employee in the system who has been in the system longer than me also applied, and my boss gave the job to her. She met with me after she made the decision and told me she really wanted me to have it, but felt this was the most fair thing. I took the news better than I thought I would. I feel frustrated because the last time I was in this position, I had the experience and deserved the job over the person who got it, but I wasn't liked (for reasons beyond my control. Those reasons being that I worked for an incompetent loon and the other person who wanted the job is a she-demon. But I digress.) This time I was liked and appreciated and valued, and.....I lacked the experience? Twelve years in the same job, doing excellent work and being appreciated by my boss doesn't stack up well enough against a mystery person who interviewed well and has more experience. The person who got the job is so sweet and friendly and I really like her as a person. But I wrestle with this sometimes. I'm not mad at her at all. And not mad at my boss, either. Just frustrated that things at some other libraries are bad enough that my coworker felt she had to get out or she was going to die, so she moved over here, knocking me out of that place. I struggle, too, because I have wanted this for over a decade and it would be a life changing opportunity. I would have had all my debt, save my mortgage, paid off in about a year and a half. What would I have been able to do after that? What could I have accomplished? I could sponsor more kids, donate more to my preferred local charities, help family members in need, pursue more adoptions without hesitation. And it drives me a little crazy that this "dream" of mine is something so attainable, by many standards, and it still dangles just outside my reach. It might sound a little dramatic, but over and over in my head, for the past month or so, I just keep hearing "you can't win."
I've been struggling with my depression since I got the news that I am staying in my current position at work. But for whatever reason, it's not because of the job, really. I don't know why, but missing out on this has caused the burden in my heart about being childless to grow exponentially. It HURTS. It's so heavy. And I don't know what to do about it. I am hiding a lot of photos on Facebook right now because I have these moments, or days, when I cannot stand seeing anything about anyone's life. It's not always that way, but it's happening more than I want it to. It's not bitterness, I don't think, because I'm not mad about it, but I am sad about missing out. Like if you had a bunch of friends who were excellent chefs and bakers and they were always posting about what they were cooking and eating, and you had crazy weird food allergies that meant you couldn't have ANY of that right now, and you really loved them before and KNOW what you're missing out on. It's just too much sometimes, and I don't want to see it. "I really thought I'd be having cake for my birthday, and birthday cake has always been my favorite part of those celebrations. But I can't have cake anymore, and everyone around me is posting photos of their cake. It's making me sad so I don't want to see it right now." Only times a thousand, because family is more important than cake. If you have kids and we are friends and you feel bad reading this, please don't. I'm still liking photos (sometimes!) and caring about your life. But at the same time, I am growing really weary of my life not being the way I feel it is supposed to be. It's incredibly irritating that God has placed these desires on my heart and then continually holds the realizations of those desires out of reach.
So my depression is bad right now. Not "I'm not leaving the house" bad, but "I'm super emotional all the time and everything is either irrationally irritating or irrationally heartbreaking at the moment." I keep getting choked up when I think of sad things that have happened to a fandom character or the fact that my dog is getting old. Completely out of the blue. Or I want to tell people off for stupid little things. I'm definitely ready for this cloud hanging over my head to dissipate or move on or even shrink a little bit. I want to feel normal again, whatever normal is. And I want to be content. I worry sometimes that I sound discontent. I'm a little impatient, for sure, but it is really hard feeling stuck in one place when you know- KNOW- that God has something else planned for you. Bigger and better things. And you don't know WHEN they are coming and it feels like it's already been an awfully long time.
So that's my update for now. If you are the praying type, I'd really appreciate your prayers. I feel like I ask for them a lot, and that I ask for the same things over and over again: peace, contentment, happy feelings if things don't work out the way I think they will. I know it's redundant, but I really do want and need that, and I hope you'll keep praying for me while I wait.