"The air is full of spices."

I don't really hear God very often. I phrase it like that so no one will come along and admonish me because he's "speaking to me all the time," or whatever. He might be, but I don't hear him. I have a lot of problems with it, problems that have been growing over the past couple of years. It's immensely frustrating to feel that every prayer goes unanswered. I have big prayers- fix my health, make me a mom, make life better. I have small prayers- help me wake up in the morning, give me the energy to do some chores. My prayers cover a pretty broad spectrum, and I don't really get a return on them. I'm always praying that I'll know what God wants me to do, so I can try to do it and be where I'm supposed to be. But I very seldom feel really sure about anything in my life. So when I feel like I've been nudged in a certain direction by God, it's kind of a big deal. Because I don't feel that way very often, it kind of stands out.

I think about traveling a lot. I want to go see all of my kids. I want to go back to Tanzania. I want to go everywhere. But every time I think of traveling, it's like wishful thinking. Those thoughts are always framed like this: "oh, I really wish I could go to [country name] and see all the amazing things and visit the kids. But it will be a long time before that will happen, if it ever does. I don't have the money and it was too hard fundraising for Tanzania, and I can't put myself through that stress again while I've got all this other stuff going on." I know that I need to pay my bills and I want to knock out my debt and do all these things around the house and adopt a few kids, and I feel like it's an either/or choice: either I can keep traveling and stay in debt, or I can put all my resources toward those goals and stay home. The latter feels like the more responsible thing to do, even though I'm doing it and it's not been super successful, either. But I digress. I choose the latter because it seems smarter, like the right thing.

A couple of weeks ago, though, on the Sunday before Independence Day, I woke up with a thought in my head. Brandon was already up and playing video games, as he does every Sunday before church, and I was trying to stay in bed as long as possible, but I woke up a few minutes early, thinking very clearly that I should take the Sunday shift my friend Stephanie was trying to get rid of the following week, because I'd need the money for a trip next fall. There is no reason why I should wake up thinking that. I had no desire to take that Sunday from Stephanie. I love her dearly, but she had been drafted to work at the Main library on a holiday weekend, the day after we'd be getting back from the farm (so I'd be tired.) No one wants to work at the Main library except the people who already work there during the week. It's huge and busy and they have their own weird rules and security guards because sometimes scary stuff happens there. Steph was really stressing about it, because it would be hard to get rid of the shift (being a holiday weekend) and she *really* didn't want to work it. I love my friend, but I didn't want to work it, either. And yet, I woke up feeling- or knowing- that I should. Not only would I be paid for the weekend, but there was an offer of transportation and a bit of extra cash on the table, as well. And I needed that money, apparently. As I got out of bed and started my morning, I went through the regular script in my head. "Yes, it'd be wonderful to go on another Compassion trip, but that can't realistically happen. It costs too much. Fundraising is too hard. I'll never get the money together. I still owe some money from my Tanzania trip. It's too hard. I can't do it. Not now." But with each of those thoughts, I had an immediate answer at the ready. I don't know where they came from. I mean, I think I do, but that's not usually how this script goes, so it surprised me. "It would be wonderful. The cost is doable. You've learned a lot about fundraising and new ways to do it. The trip's a long time from now, plenty of time to raise the money. There's so much time, you could get the money together to pay off the Tanzania debt, too. You can do it. You've done it before. And you have time." It was a weird feeling.

All these things were running through my head as I was getting ready for church. It came to be ten minutes before time to leave, I decided to turn on the laptop and see where Compassion was headed late 2016. I felt like this trip, should it exist, would be next fall. Compassion keeps a list of their trips for the next year on the side of the tour page- the months are listed, and the countries, but details are to be announced later. So I scrolled to the bottom of the screen, and there it was: India, November 2016.

I don't know that I'm going yet. I think I'm supposed to. And truthfully, I think my mom is supposed to go, too. But I don't want my own excitement about the possibility of travel to cloud my judgment or lead me in a direction I'm not really supposed to go. I didn't have as many doubts last time, but I think my fear of not being able to raise the money is affecting how I approach this. Fundraising is really hard. International travel is expensive. I do not make a lot of money, so all of the money for this trip (or any trip) would have to be procured with fundraising and working Sunday shifts for the library. The rest of my income is dedicated to my family's financial responsibilities. Brandon is supportive of my wanting to travel with Compassion, but in a weird way. He says I can go wherever, whenever, as long as I can raise the money for it. So it's nice that he supports my desire to travel with Compassion and see our kids!

So here I am, asking for your prayers. I was going to keep this a secret a little while longer- mom suggested that we take 30 days to pray about it and see where God leads. But I don't think my prayers are enough. Like I said, I don't hear from God very often. I want to hear him loud and clear on this. I want to know exactly what I'm supposed to do. Especially since every time I get a letter from one of my kids, I feel tugged in their direction, too. "Oh, Anahi's letter is so sweet, maybe I should go to Honduras and see her instead. It would be cheaper, too." This isn't about doing what is cheapest. This is about doing what is right and what I'm supposed to do. I know that there are people that don't get that, and that's ok. But I am a firm believer that if you're not where God wants you to be- or where he would prefer you to be- then the path may not be as smooth, I guess. Not to say that people who are doing the right thing aren't going to have problems from time to time, but I think they have peace about it. I like peace. It's a good goal to have. But I digress. I'd appreciate your prayers while I try to figure out if I'm supposed to go somewhere. And confirmation that I have the right place would be great, too. It's a big world out there, and I've got kids all over. But if you've been reading this blog for a while, you know that I have a big love for India and we are even interested in adopting from there someday. So going to India would just be....incredible. Amazing. And it would be really neat if it all works out.

Opportunity

Hello, friends!

I come to you today with a prayer request. I'm not sharing the details right now, because sometimes I feel a little superstitious, and I don't want to jinx myself. But I still want some prayers!

I'm praying about an opportunity. It's kind of a big deal, and a big commitment. Several things would need to fall into place for me to be able to follow through on this opportunity. My heart and my mind are pretty much already set on following through with this, but that might just be because I'm excited about it. I want to pray about it and make sure that I'm following God's will, but I'm not very good at that. I struggle with doing things on my own schedule and following my own will, because I find it very, very hard to hear from God. I try and try and try and it happens *very* rarely. I think that my desire to follow this opportunity comes from him, because of this sense of determination, purpose, and confidence I have about it, but I would like to be careful about it.

This opportunity also involves my family, in a way. So I would appreciate your prayers for me and for my family. I really need some discernment. I'm praying for some very clear signs. Like, I'm tempted to throw fleeces out on my yard, at this point. That worked for Gideon, right?

My mom suggested taking 30 days to pray about this. So I will be praying about it continuously until the end of this month. If you are willing to join me in praying, or pray for me even off and on during that time, will you please comment on this post, or the facebook post I will use to share it? Hopefully in a few weeks I will be back here with an update full of excitement, rather than disappointment. :)

"I appeal to you, brothers, by our Lord Jesus Christ and by the love of the Spirit, to strive together with me in your prayers to God on my behalf." Romans 15:30

When Oceans Rise

I got a scary email this week.

As a bit of background, in December we were notified that our sponsor child Merlyn lives in an area that was expected to be hit hard by Typhoon Ruby, which hit the Philippines pretty hard. We didn't share much about it at that time because we didn't know much- her center never appeared on the list of affected projects, so we just assumed that everything had worked out ok. We knew from following the news that the loss of life was much lower than originally predicted, due to the fact that people living in the Philippines had a good amount of advance warning, and were able to prepare. When we didn't hear anything in the month that followed, we assumed her family weathered the storm with no problems (though we did continue to pray.)

A few days ago, an email showed up in my inbox saying that Merlyn had been directly affected by the typhoon, and I should call Compassion for some more information. Brandon and I had just sat down to watch a movie together before I had to go to work, and I thought about waiting until we had finished to call, but I decided I would sit there and worry and think the worst unless I made the call to find out exactly what had happened. It took some time and transfers and a lot of digging to find out what had happened, because apparently Merlyn's information was filed in a slightly different way. Since her center wasn't on the "affected" list, there wasn't a red flag immediately presented. But with the help of two call center workers and one dedicated Compassion employee in Colorado, we finally got the info we needed. Merlyn's home was badly damaged in the storm, though it wasn't destroyed completely. There were no injuries or loss of life in her family.

Now, people reading this may think "oh, her family's home was damaged. Well, that's not too bad." It isn't bad, but it isn't great, either. First, consider that where Merlyn lives, almost every home is constructed of bamboo and palm fronds. Damage to a house made of what are essentially twigs and leaves could be much worse than what we might think of when we hear "storm damage", like a few lost shingles or peeled-up siding. Hail damage. And on top of that, most of us have homeowner's insurance or landlords to help out with that. Finally, families in Merlyn's community earn an average of $30 per month. That's less than the cost of child sponsorship. With $30 a month, you're supposed to feed, care for, and clothe your entire family, plus repair a home damaged by a typhoon? I don't care what your home is made of, that's a challenge. Merlyn's family wouldn't be participating in Compassion's program if they didn't need help.

While Compassion is working with the families affected by the typhoon, I am limited in what I can do to help. I can send Merlyn more encouragement and rally my friends and family to pray for her, but I want to do something more. This is the first time that one of my kids has been affected by a natural disaster, or had a circumstance urgent or bad enough that Compassion has contacted me about it. My own resources are extremely limited- I will do good to get out a couple of $10 birthday gifts at the end of this month, a few weeks late for my kids with February birthdays. But I have felt restless about this, and I feel like God is telling me to try to do something more than just send a card, just repeat that I am praying for her and her family.

I've set up a fundraising page at GoFundMe to try to raise money for a family gift for Merlyn and her parents. My goal is very small- just $100- but it is something that I definitely can't afford to send on my own. I do have a lot of really wonderful and caring friends and family, though, and I'm hoping that together we can chip in, contributing tiny amounts, to raise this amount to send to Merlyn and her family. The gift might be used to help replace some of what they lost in the typhoon, or might be used to buy food and medicine (which might be considered "backburner" priorities while they work to rebuild their home) or they might be used to build a home of more secure materials than bamboo and leaves. Maybe because of this gift, Merlyn's family will be able to improve their living situation in a way that will help keep them safe from the next storm that passes over them (living in the Philippines, they will definitely endure more storms.)

If you would like to donate, you can click on the widget in the upper left corner of this page. And if you have questions or anything like that, feel free to email me at hellojessi01(at)gmail.com. Even if you don't donate, please join me in praying for all the families who are working to rebuild after these destructive storms, not just the Compassion kids and their families. I can't imagine how challenging and frustrating it is to live in an area that repeatedly gets smacked around by Mother Nature.

Guest Post: Hannah talks about prayer!

Today we have a guest post from my good friend Hannah! She blogs over at Because of Shamim, and I just love her. She has a precious family and lots of sponsor kids, and her posts have provided me with a lot of information! I asked her if she'd be willing to do a guest post on prayer- specifically, praying for our sponsor kids. When people ask us to pray for them, we usually know specifics about what's going on. We pray for people we see regularly and know well, or we pray about situations. But how do you pray for someone you've never met, and you only know through letters? Here's what Hannah has to say! 

I’m so excited to be posting on Jessi’s blog today! She asked me to share about praying for our sponsor kids, so I thought I’d share what I do and have done over the years.

To be honest, some weeks I have wonderful prayer times for the kids, and other weeks my prayers are brief and generic. I suppose many of us go through similar ups and downs in many areas!

In order to do better remembering to pray for our kids, I had my husband help me hang 5x7 photos of our kids on the wall. We call it our “Compassion Wall” and it hangs in our eat-in kitchen/dining area. I like being able to see the photos of our kids throughout the day, as the photos remind me to pray!

I also have signed up to receive the monthly prayer guides from Compassion (if you’re interested in becoming a prayer partner, check out this link.) I asked them to mail them, as I probably won’t print them out in time to pray! But I take these and put them on my fridge. Then, each day when I get my sons milk in the morning, I pray for the day’s prayer request.

Both of these are just practical ways for me to be praying for our sponsored kids and Compassion’s ministry throughout the day.

Another thing I try to do periodically is to sit down for a lengthy time of focused prayer for our kids. Many of our kids share prayer requests, which helps me pray specifically. Other great resources are the pastor’s letters from the kids’ projects! And, on the back of the bookmark you receive with your introduction packet, there is a basic prayer guide for each day of the month (you can see a detailed version of the 31 days here.) (And Compassion has a 52 weeks of prayer guide, if you would like to have a focus for each week. )
For a time, I was documenting my kids’ prayer requests in a journal. I have since lost that journal, but writing this post has inspired me to find a new one! I like keeping track of my kids’ prayer requests so that I can follow up in future letters.


Occasionally, when I sit down for extended prayer for our kids, I will journal (usually by typing) as I pray. Then I have copy and pasted a part of it and sent it to the kids in an online letter! I wish I could be there to pray over each child in person, but this is a little way for me to do that. I figured that since they can’t actually hear me pray, they might enjoy knowing what I am praying for them!

I need a map.

There have been many moments over the past week when I have come to this page and started a post. Or thought about starting a post. I feel like I have so much to say, and so many prayers to ask for. I always change my mind about posting because I don't want to seem like I'm complaining, and I don't want to deal with any backlash about what I have to say. Each time I have started a post, or formulated one in my head, I've given too much information, and been too bitter and angry and not a good representation of what a forgiving, Christian person should be. So I will try to keep this short- which should be a prayer request in itself, since you all know how much I like to write.

This post is about direction. And needing a map. And I can't think of maps without thinking of Spongebob. So there's your explanation for this picture. 

The past week has been horrendous. I want to say "hellish" but I am not a fan of swearing, and I come from a background that considers the word "hell" to be unspeakable even if you are reading it straight out of the Bible. So let's just say that it was horrendous. And painful. There has been a lot of upheaval in my life. I already consider my home life to be frustrating many days, because of things I have discussed here before- financial struggles, and personal challenges, and that gnawing ache that I always have at all times- longing to be a mom and live the life that I had planned for myself for a long time. Recently, there seemed to be a light at the end of the tunnel- the full-time position I have literally been waiting 8 years for finally opened up at work. I am comfortable at my job. I love working in a library. I love books. I love literacy. I love seeing kids get excited about reading. I have thought for a long time that the library is where I would stay- but eventually I would go full-time, so I could do things like pay more than the minimum balance on my student loans, and buy groceries other than spaghetti and hot dogs. And then the big things would come, like replacing broken furniture and finally painting over the patched-up walls we inherited when we moved in. Making our house a home. Filling it with kids.

I found out last week that around the time we found out that this job would be opening up- about six weeks ago- some of my coworkers started complaining about me to management. And by "some," I mean "75%." I work with a small group of people, and feel like I am friends with all of them- and none of them have ever expressed any problems with me, personally or professionally. The interesting thing is that what they were saying was just completely false. Made up. Also known as "lies." And because of the fact that I work hard and am not a jerk, my managers were able to tell me in my super-awkward meeting last week that they had not seen evidence of any of these complaints. I take comfort in that. I wasn't in trouble, I was being given a heads up, because the situation was downright weird. And so I went home and cried. For a long time. It's extremely startling to find out that you can essentially trust no one. I am a pretty trusting person. When I am not at home with my husband, I am with these people. I felt like I knew them pretty well. Apparently that is not the case.

I went back to work and continued being kind and working hard, as I have always done. Time passed, and I had my interview for the position, and things went very well. And then, a week from the day of my super awkward terrible meeting of horrible-ness, I had another meeting. This one was also informative- I did not get the job for which I had applied, and the position would instead be going to my coworker. And I will let you take all those facts- the timing of when the complaints started, and the fact that I only work with about four other people and at least three of them have been complaining about me- and I will let you come up with your own conspiracy theories about what might be going on. I had some of my own, but I have decided to stop caring. This situation and the people that created it are just not worth the energy or time or space in my brain.

I so desperately wanted to go full-time. I wanted the money. I don't feel like it was for greedy or selfish reasons- it's not like I'm sitting at home thinking I'm going to be able to go out to fancy restaurants and buy designer handbags, like some people I know who claim to be in equally stressful financial situations. No, going full-time for me would mean less shame, because my husband works so hard at his physically demanding full-time job, and I work 20 hours a week in what is essentially a big room full of books and computers. It would mean being home with him more often, because I'd work a schedule more similar to his. It would mean being able to call a repairman because our air conditioning is out and it gets so hot in here that it makes me sick. It would mean actually eating vegetables once in a while, and feeling better physically because I'm eating more than just bread and peanut butter for two meals a day. It would mean being able to go to the dentist and get my teeth fixed once and for all, and not fearing every noise my old car (or my husband's older car) makes, because a mechanic is probably out of our budget, and a replacement vehicle definitely is. It would mean more sponsorships of Compassion kids. And regular tithing. And mission trips. And adoption.

I set my sights on this mythical light at the end of the tunnel, and the tunnel collapsed. My pain and upset is partly my own fault for focusing on that dumb light too much.

Moving forward, I am trying to be grateful that this opportunity didn't work out. I am not angry toward the people who have hurt me, but I certainly have no interest in trusting them anytime soon. It is possible to forgive someone while at the same time saying "you're never going to do this hurtful thing to me again, because you won't have the opportunity." I should consider it a good thing that I am still working part-time, because who wants to spend more time with malicious, dishonest people? Who wants to spend more time in a poisonous environment? Not me. At least, that's what I'll keep telling myself. Meanwhile, I am finally looking to move outside my once-comfortable comfort zone, and am currently seeking other employment. The best situation would be for me to find a full-time job somewhere, but if it comes down to it, I may wind up working two jobs (which means more gas and more wear-and-tear on my car, but I digress.) I have never worked anywhere else. Up until today, I hadn't created a resume since high school. I sent an email on a longshot opportunity and got a response asking for my resume and answers to a few questions- we'll see what happens. But something needs to change. I can't keep going the way I have been going, even though changing direction is scary and uncertain.

Remember when I said I'd try to keep this short? This is my attempt at short. Trust me, I could have shared a lot more. I just really need prayer. I want prayer. Your prayers, because mine aren't amounting for much right now. Life has been knocking me around pretty hard lately- and I will spare you the details, but there's a lot more going on than what I listed here. This is just what's at the forefront of my mind right now, and probably the biggest single thing, since it involves life changes. I would love it if you would be praying for me, friends. Pray that I will find the courage to move on with my life, after sitting still so long, waiting for something that wasn't meant to be. Pray that a good opportunity will make itself known to me soon. I'm not looking to be a millionaire here. I just want some stability. I don't want to live in fear. Don't want a bigger house, just want to be able to take care of the one I have. And put some tiny humans up in those spare bedrooms that have been sitting empty for too long. And pray for patience and positivity, too. Staying positive is really challenging right now. Some days I struggle to have any good thoughts- so I think about my kids. Just list them all by name in my head, even if I can't muster up a prayer for each of them at that moment.

Hopefully I will have some halfway good news on this front to share with you soon.

42!

42 days. At this time in 42 days, I will be flying over the Atlantic Ocean, on my way to Tanzania via Amsterdam. I can't believe the trip is so close! I even got an email from Compassion today reminding me that the trip is coming up, and double checking the names and numbers of the kids I want to visit. I have had all my shots and have started the typhoid vaccine already (did you know that it's actually pills? I have to take two pills every 48 hours, for 8 days- but I have to have the pharmacist administer them!) I've been contacting other sponsors who will be sending me gifts to take to their kids, and working  hard to get things together and organized before the trip. I am still really, really excited about it, but I have to admit, I get a little more jittery now than I have been over the past few months. When I was younger, I took a few years of drama classes and right before my biggest performance, on an actual stage and everything, I felt the same way. Jumpy and slightly unsure of myself- like, "do I really have to do this? I know it's a good thing, but it's a big thing and I'm not sure that I want to do it." Right up to getting ready for the big show in the dressing room, I was nervous and twitchy and completely wrapped up in my little tics and rituals. But the second I stepped out onto the stage, everything was fine. Truthfully, I kind of experienced the same thing when I got married! I was a nervous wreck, completely sick and extremely panicky, all through my rehearsal, and didn't even eat at the rehearsal dinner. But the day of, and during the ceremony- nerves of steel, like it was the  most normal thing in the world. I think that this is a bit of the same thing. It would be wrong to call it stage fright, because in both of those cases, I wasn't frightened while I was on stage. It was right before the big show that I was a little nutty.

Since it's been a while, I thought I'd update you with some prayer requests- how you can be specific in your prayers for me leading up to this trip (and during it, of course) if you are so inclined.

Finances: This is a biggie. And it's also the most awkward one, because to be honest, I am so tired of begging people for money. I'm still less than halfway funded for my trip. I have had to borrow the money to finish paying my balance with Compassion, but that money has to be paid back, and it is a large amount of money. Just a tiny bit more than I paid for my first car (which took two years or more to pay off.) Or my smallest student loan, plus half my second smallest student loan. Please pray for tremendous financial provision for the trip. There are also some expenses I'm responsible for outside that borrowed amount, too.

The Long, Long Trip: It will take about 20 hours to get to Tanzania- and that's after I make it to New York. My flight leaves Louisville around 8 am, and then heads to Charleston for a brief layover (fun fact: my uncle actually works in Charleston during the week- for an airline! So I might get to see him.) Then I will catch another plane to New York and get there around lunchtime. After that it's another six hours before our plane leaves New York. The journey from New York to Amsterdam is 7 hours and 45 minutes, so we will be getting there very early in the morning our time (I haven't even figured out what time it will be there.) Then there's a 3 or 4 hour layover at the Amsterdam airport, and then a 9 hour flight to Arusha, Tanzania. The return trip will essentially be the same, except I will arrive back in Louisville a few minutes after midnight. I'm a little sad that I will be back in the US for so many hours without seeing my family! Pray for my sanity during such a long trip. I've been on a really long car ride before, but cars can pull over so we can stretch our legs and use normal bathrooms close to sea level. Planes can't do that.

Communication: Being disconnected from my family (particularly my husband and my mom, whom I talk to throughout the day via text) is going to be hard. I know that at least one hotel we will be staying at has Wi-Fi, so I can use a texting app or FaceTime or Skype. I don't know about the rest of the times, though. This will be such an adjustment for me, because when I am feeling anxious or having a hard time, I break out my phone and text my mom, asking her to pray. If things escalate, I have some other friends I recruit, too. Just getting confirmation that other people are praying for me brings me a tremendous amount of comfort when I am under fire like that. I don't think that it's because I rely too heavily on these people in my life, but more like this: even when I'm praying out loud, God isn't responding out loud to me. When things are really scary, getting an audible or visual connection is important to me. I have to prepare myself for the possibility that that kind of connection may not be available to me as immediately as it is here at home.

Climate: This is probably going to make me look dumb, but I completely forgot that it is possible to be experiencing a high elevation if you are not currently standing on a mountain. There is a little section in my Compassion travel booklet about altitude sickness, and I didn't really think about it too much because, hey, it's not like we're going to be climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro. Well, yesterday I was checking the weather report in Arusha, and the website was kind enough to inform me that the elevation there is around 4300 feet above sea level. Singida, where we will also be spending quite a bit of time, is 3600 feet above sea level. So then I looked up Louisville, where I live. My hometown is less than 450 feet above sea level. Upon learning this, I spent the next hour reading up on altitude sickness. It sounds to me like a lot of the symptoms sound like the same symptoms of a mild panic attack. Please pray for our entire group, that we will be able to avoid this issue. I'm sure that it will still be an adjustment, but please pray that that adjustment won't be difficult, and any symptoms we may have will be extremely mild and go away quickly.

Food: I'm not going to have as much room in my suitcase for food as I had hoped. Don't get me wrong, I am not planning on avoiding Tanzanian cuisine. I am an adventurous eater and love trying foods from around the world. But my experiences are limited to single, one-time restaurant visits, not complete immersion for 10 days. Pray that I will be able to eat what is presented to me. I don't want to offend anyone and I don't want to get sick, either.

Connections: Pray for my visit with my boys. I cannot wait to wrap Said in a big hug and tell him how much I love him. I haven't had the other two boys as long, though. We've been writing to Bonifas since October and Elisha since November- and we haven't heard from Elisha yet. Bonifas' first letter was a little hard to connect with, too. I love them all, but since I don't feel so connected to the little guys yet, I hope things aren't weird for them (I keep having this weird thought that Elisha will either be weirded out by my visiting him, a correspondence child I barely know, or he will be so overwhelmed and may expect me to come back for frequent visits, which is something I can't do!) and I am so scared I will accidentally pay less attention to them. Also, I haven't heard from Said in over 4 months, which is really unusual for him. Prayer for all the boys would be really great.

My spiritual walk: I feel weird talking about this one too, but it's still important. Sometimes I feel like I am floundering in my relationship with God. This trip has something to do with that. I felt such excitement and peace when I signed up for this trip, because I felt like I was following God's call for my life. I still do. And I felt so empowered. I have said before that I have always wanted to travel and engage with people and go on mission trips, but I haven't been able to because of my anxiety. When I said yes to God on this, I felt like this whole world was opening up to me. This would be my thing: short term missions, since I don't think my husband is ready to, say, pack up our life and move to Africa to open an orphanage and school for girls with HIV. I want to be an active activist. And because of that, and because of my confidence that this is what God wants me to be doing, I thought that this journey would be easier. It has been a lot harder than I expected. And yes, the finances are a big part of that. I kept thinking "God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called." I am not equipped. I am called. So....why am I not fully equipped yet? Why has this been so difficult? So frustrating? I had this crazy idea that I would be able to take a trip every year- alternate between countries closer to home and further away, to make things easier (like, go to Africa one year and then Central America the next.) But at this rate, I will still be paying off this trip two years from now. And on top of that, if I can't afford to fund these trips myself, that also messes with our plans to adopt, which costs money. Do I choose the trip or the child? How can we start the adoption process if we are willingly taking on debt like this? I experience some big doubts sometimes. It's more than an exercise in patience. It's not quite despair, but it definitely has me feeling lost sometimes. I would appreciate prayers for peace, clarity, and discernment. Peace about my situation, and peace if it turns out that I am completely misunderstanding what God wants me to do. Clarity and discernment for His will. And faith. Sometimes I feel like my faith is like a gas tank, and on those days when I'm feeling lost and confused, that tank is running reeeeeally low. After all, this trip was a big step of faith. And when things started not going according to my plan, well, it makes it hard to keep that faith tank full.

Despite all these requests for prayer, and random concerns, I know my trip will be 100% worth it. I am looking forward to it unlike anything else I have ever done. I am ecstatic about the chance to meet my boys, and I get all smiley when I think about the time we will spend with all the other kids, particularly the moms and babies at the Child Survival Program. And I'm looking forward to hugging the folks at the field office and telling them how much I appreciate them taking care of all the letters I send each year (which is a lot.) And I can't wait to come back here and share all the details with you!

Oh, one last thing: you can check out my facebook page here for updates on the trip. I have been using it to sell some crafts to fund the trip, and when I get back I hope to turn it into a mini business, but all the proceeds will go to Compassion. I'm hoping that I will eventually be able to bring in enough money each month to commit to "sponsor" a Child Survival Program center, and maybe even do a special sponsorship. I will continue to post trip updates there, and plan on posting some things there while I'm actually on the trip, too (whenever I have internet!)

News of the World

Sorry it's been so long since I did a post like this! Some weeks I can't find enough stories to make a post, and then the weeks when I could find enough stories, I have been too busy to write one! Anyway, here are some news stories from the countries where Compassion works.

Thailand. There has been a lot of political unrest in Thailand over the past few months. If I understand it correctly, the prime minister (who is a lady, by the way) dissolved the parliament a few weeks ago. There have been a lot of protests, too. Things are getting even more intense, and the military is considering intervening. I always find stories like this interesting....I definitely don't advocate violence as a way of protesting or anything like that, but it's interesting to me to read stories of people actually doing something to change their government, whereas in America it seems we just complain about government on facebook. Or if our party is in charge, we complain about the complainers. But I digress. Be praying for the people of Thailand, that during this time of unrest, the citizens stay safe. Pray that the government officials make decisions that are best for their citizens, in order to improve their lives.

India. A few weeks ago, an Indian diplomat visiting the United States was strip-searched. People in India are now absolutely furious with the United States. They are really offended by what happened (and you know that if the tables were turned, we would be too.) Protesters have pointed out that in Indian tradition, "the guest is god" (which is a traditional saying that emphasizes India's well-known hospitality) and that the way their diplomat was treated was incredibly disrespectful and uncalled for. Whether or not the allegations (possible visa fraud and an accusation of paying a housekeeper less than legal wages) are true or not, the people of India seem to all agree that the way the envoy was treated was uncalled for- and it seems our own Secretary of State "regrets" the way the situation was handled, too.  Right now, in many areas of India, there is a lot of anti-American sentiment. Flags are burned and effigies of the president are paraded in the streets. A recent report indicates that American-run schools, managed by well-intentioned people who really have nothing to do with why everyone is upset, are being targeted. Pray that this dispute will be resolved quickly. The Indian people are our allies and it makes me sad to see so many of them angry with our country. Pray for the safety of Americans  living in India, and any people who may be near the protests. Pray that they stop escalating. Pray that our relationship with this beautiful country will be healed, quickly.

Haiti. Through my writing about Compassion, my buddy A., and poverty in general, I have mentioned several times on my blog that life in Haiti is really difficult. Greedy people are taking advantage of desperate Haitians, promising them safe passage to a new life in the United States, and then Haitians are dying on the dangerous voyage. It has gotten to be a big enough problem that the United States has produced a public service announcement urging Haitians not to risk their lives in this way. The smugglers are putting people on dangerous, overcrowded boats, and sending them to Puerto Rico, which is a US commonwealth. I think it's a good idea to just continually keep Haiti in your prayers- for their government, their economy, the health problems and family problems they face. Pray for the people who are so desperate to get out, that they will be safe. It's all so very sad.

Philippines. As if the people of the Philippines needed any more tragedy. We are all still praying for the recovery of the nation in the aftermath of Typhoon Haiyan (public polls indicate that America as a whole doesn't "care" much about the typhoon anymore, but I know Compassion sponsors do!) Recently there was a tragedy at an airport in the Philippines. Gunmen disguised as police officers shot and killed a mayor and three others at an airport in Manila. Pray for the families of those who died, and pray for safety of the Filipino people during these difficult times.

Indonesia. Ok, this is probably going to sound weird, but one of the things I pray for in regards to my kids is their safety from the wildlife in their areas. Most people in the US don't have much to worry about in the way of wildlife. Some areas have bears or mountain lions, but 99% of us probably won't ever see one. Yet where our kids live, there are lions, tigers, giant snakes, crocodiles, jaguars, leopards, hippos (which are super dangerous) and a host of other crazy things. One of the most recent stories of dangerous wildlife involved a giant python that apparently just wandered up to a hotel, killed a security guard, and then LEFT. The python is still on the loose! In a very popular tourist area! So while this news story is about Indonesia, I think it's a good idea to pray for the safety of our kids, since many of them live in areas where they have a much greater chance of encountering a dangerous animal than we do.

News of the World

This week's prayer update will focus on one area of the world- the Philippines. My heart is just so heavy for these people right now. Spreading the word about what is going on over there is the best way to get people to pitch in and help, I think. So here are some specific things you can pray for:

• Pray for the babies. Babies don't stop being born just because a storm is going on. I have never given birth, but I know that hospitals are involved, and electricity, and you need clean water and medical supplies and doctors and a hospital bed. So what happens when none of those things are available? Pray for the babies that have been born since the typhoon, and the parents that are doing their best to keep them alive. 
• Pray for the doctors. I have always been interested in medicine, but I never pursued it as a profession because I don't think I could handle the stress. If being a doctor and working in a hospital is stressful everyday, can you even imagine what it's like right now in the Philippines? Doctors are really struggling with the conditions they're working in right now, and the horribly sad fact is that they can't save everyone. Pray for peace for the doctors during this difficult time. Pray that they'll be able to help as many people as possible. Pray that they won't get overworked, because that will end up hurting them in the long run, and patient care may suffer if they are pushed beyond exhaustion. 
• Pray for the water supplies. People can't survive without water. It's a simple fact. Waterborne diseases are going to be a major issue in the coming weeks. There are also hygiene and sanitation issues, on top of regular old thirst. Pray that aid workers and the government will be able to help the people of the Philippines get clean water as soon as possible. 
• Pray for the people in less populated areas. Though the storm hit some major cities harder than some other areas, the Philippines is still made up of thousands of islands, and many people were affected and displaced by the typhoon. This article tells about one "overlooked" island that has only received a pickup truck full of supplies- a few boxes of food and a half a pallet of water. Pray for the people living in these remote areas, that they will stay safe and healthy. And pray for the relief organizations, too, that they will remember these people and be able to reach them. 
• Pray for the local governments. The government officials are overwhelmed. There is simply too much to do and not enough people to do it. Some regions are faced with a choice: distribute food, or clear bodies off the street. Not clearing the bodies creates a health hazard, it's incredibly sad, and it probably feels a little disrespectful to the people who have died. But the food needs to be delivered, too. The people of the Philippines are faced with some incredibly hard choices right now. Pray for the government officials and volunteers, that they won't be so overwhelmed. 
• Pray for supplies. Many people around the world are willing to help the people affected by typhoon Haiyan, but it's difficult right now because roads and airports have been smashed to pieces. So people aren't able to get food and water in some areas, medical supplies are running out, and volunteers aren't able to get in to provide aid. Pray that supplies (and volunteers) will be able to safely make it to these people in dire need. Pray for "loaves and fishes" miracles for the food, water, and medical supplies. Pray that there is more than enough to meet the needs of the people. 
• Pray for the families. As of this morning, the official death toll is up to 3,633, with thousands more missing, and even more people injured. Pray for the grieving friends and families. I feel so very sad for them. Pray for comfort and peace for them, and pray that they will be able to cope with their grief while their world is in chaos. 

News of the World

Here's your weekly update on what's happening around the world!

• Philippines- The biggest news story on the planet this week has been the typhoon hammering southeast Asia. This storm, thought to be the largest in human history, has seriously been flogging the Philippines. There have been over 130 confirmed deaths so far, and officials are speculating that that number may rise to over 1,200. Compassion sponsors who have kids in the Philippines have been receiving messages over the past few days urging them to pray for the kids and families there. I personally haven't heard any updates on specific areas affected, but you can check in with Compassion's website, as I have been doing frequently. Pray for the safety of the people there- it would be amazing if the death toll is smaller than the Red Cross and other groups are estimating. Pray for the rebuilding and recovery. Pray for the families who have been evacuated, that their displacement will end soon. Pray for the government there and the organizations that are going to help with rebuilding efforts. And pray for the other countries that will be affected by the storm. 
• Tanzania- Albinism isn't something we often encounter. Sometimes we'll see a movie featuring an albino character- but have you ever thought about the fact that albinism occurs all around the world- not just in white Americans and Europeans? In Tanzania, albinism is looked on with disgust and superstition. Some people believe that taking a body part from an albino person- a finger or an arm- and brewing it into a potion will make a person rich. I think other people are just freaked out about it. Parents with albino children are terrified because armed people will show up in the middle of the night to try to take their kids. The violence in these rural areas of the country has resulted in 71 deaths in Tanzania alone (attacks occur in other parts of Africa, but Tanzania seems to really be struggling with it.) Pray for the people of Tanzania. Pray that the people in these areas will open their eyes and realize that hurting people is wrong, that magic potions don't exist, and that looking different isn't really a big deal. Pray for protection for the people whose lives are endangered by these beliefs, and pray for the families of those who have been lost. 
• Mexico- If someone asked you what nation has the highest obesity rate, you'd probably guess the United States. Yet Mexico recently surpassed the US in this area. The average Mexican citizen consumes 40% more soda than the average resident of the United States- and we already drink a lot of soda! The Mexican government is considering a lot of different ways to deal with this problem, one of which is a proposed tax on high calorie foods. One part of the debate regarding obesity that we have in the US is the affordability of high-calorie foods. Fresh vegetables by themselves can be kind of cheap, but when most families have parents that are working a collective 80+ hours a week to make ends meet, a lot of people aren't inclined to make a home-cooked meal. I think that some of these ideas may apply to Mexico, as well. They have a struggling economy and folks just want their families to eat. If sugary cereal is cheaper and faster than all the ingredients to cook a healthy breakfast, then obviously most people are going to go for the cereal. Pray for the health of the people of Mexico, especially the kids. Pray for wisdom for the government officials, that they will make good choices while trying to find ways to help their people get healthy. Our public school system is definitely far from perfect, but we have a lot more resources available to us, and those resources can be used to provide healthy lunches and other programs to help our kids. 

News of the World

Here's another round-up of news stories from the countries where Compassion works!

• Kenya- Last week I mentioned the unrest in Kenya that started after a teenage girl was brutally beaten and raped- the perpetrators were required to mow the grass at the police station, then released. The story has gained a lot of media attention in the last week, and it can be found on the home pages for a lot of news outlets (CNN, HuffPo, NBC, etc.) Continue praying for girls around the world, that they will be protected from these stupid and sad acts of violence. And as the case gains international attention- and no action is taken by local law enforcement- pray that no one gets hurt as Kenyans protest this gross miscarriage of justice. Pray that calm attitudes and cool heads prevail, and that justice will be served. 
• Honduras- Countries around the world suffer from the corruption of law enforcement. It even happens in the United States sometimes. Here is a pretty scary story out of Honduras. This police chief, who is active in the war on drugs (which we like) but has a pretty bloody and questionable past (so we keep him at arm's length), is greatly feared by almost everyone who lives in his jurisdiction. He and his officers have been accused of basically killing people to prevent more crime. It's scary stuff. I had no idea Honduras was so violent, but the article describes nights filled with gunfire, and residents waking to find bodies in the streets- left there by the "bad guys" (drug lords and gangs) AND the "good guys"- law enforcement. In the United States, we're not used to this kind of free-for-all law enforcement. We're used to warrants and Miranda rights and trials. The citizens of Honduras- guilty or not- run a really high risk of not having those privileges if they mess up. And we all know that a lot of these problems- gangs and drugs- arise because of extreme poverty. It's all so sad. Pray for the people of Honduras, that they'll stay safe. Pray for wise decision-making by political leaders and law enforcement. Pray for justice to be served. I feel like I'm saying that a lot lately, but justice is something I feel like our world is severely lacking. 
• Indonesia- This one breaks my heart. I mean, they all do, but I haven't heart of many sex trafficking stories out of Indonesia, and this one's particularly sad. Sometimes we hear of kids being sold into prostitution by older family members because they need the money. Well, in Indonesia, a growing problem is children being sold into prostitution by other children. Fifteen year olds are running escort services and are making more money than their other family members put together. And what is their incentive to stop? They've grown up poor. They want a different life. They see this as a way out. A life-changer. Children being exploited by children. Pray for the kids who are being abused. Pray for the kids who are arranging these events, that they will be afforded other opportunities (like education and careers that don't involve taking advantage of others.) Pray for the morality of this nation, and all others, because we all know that Indonesia is not the only country where there are people who want to take advantage of kids in this way. Pray for organizations like Compassion who are working to protect these kids and lift families out of poverty. How do you even deal with that? What if you had to see this kind of thing every day? How does it not just crush your entire worldview, your faith in humanity? I'm sure it's hard to deal with. It's all just so heartbreaking.

News of the World

Here's your weekly update on what's going on in some of the countries where Compassion works!

Colombia- This is a news story about one specific family, but it brings to light two issues: what happens when families are faced with such abject poverty that it leads to desperation, and the kind of trafficking and exploitation kids around the world face every day. A Colombian woman was arrested this week after it was found out that she sold the virginity of her daughters- 12 of them- for about $200 a piece, to make ends meet. Girls are trafficked and abused all around the world, and I think that often it can be traced right back to poverty- girls being sold because their family needs the money, kids born into brothels and raised to grow up to be prostitutes because their moms can't buy food any other way. It's so sad. Pray for this family, but really, this could happen anywhere. It does happen everywhere.

India- Recent rains in eastern India have caused quite a bit of flooding, which has killed 16 people so far. My mother in law is currently in eastern India and told me yesterday in an email that it has been raining a lot there- she is safe, though. Pray for the people affected by this flooding, that they will be able to rebuild quickly and will be able to avoid some of the problems that come with flooding, which includes the rapid spread of disease. Pray for the Compassion centers in the area as they work to meet the needs of the people there, both physical and spiritual.

Dominican Republic- For a while now, the Domican Republic has been struggling with the influx of people from Haiti. Both countries share the same island, but economically, the DR is having an easier time of things than Haiti. Therefore, a lot of people from Haiti try to find work in the DR or even move there. This has led the Dominican government to crack down on immigration in recent years, just trying to keep things steady and regulated. It's understandable. Anyway, at the moment, many Dominicans of Haitian descent are about to be stripped of their citizenship, because when they were born, their parents were in the country illegally. They will lose their citizenship even if they have never been to Haiti or left the DR. It's causing a lot of political unrest in the region. Pray for the governments of both Haiti and the Dominican Republic, that they won't become hostile. Pray for the people who are facing losing their citizenship and identity. Pray for both nations, that their economies will improve, because they are really struggling.

Kenya- Again, this is another story that happened in one country but illuminates issues in all countries. In this case, we're talking about violence against women, gender inequality, and the mishandling of justice. A few weeks ago, a 16 year old girl was raped while she was on her way home from a relative's funeral. The attack was more violent than just sexual assault, however- she has been left permanently disabled as a result of the violence. There are fundraisers to raise money for her medical bills. The girl, who has been nicknamed Liz, was able to identify some of her attackers. Neighbors took the attackers to the police station. The police's response? Have the attackers mow the grass around the station, then set them free. Obviously people are outraged. Pray that justice will be served against the people who attacked this girl. Pray that girls around the world would stop being attacked like this, and pray that governments would realize it's in the best interest of everyone to protect ALL their citizens and give fair punishments for crimes.

News of the World

Here are some news updates from around the world- specifically the countries where Compassion works. I hope they will be informative and helpful to you, so you can known what to pray for in your child's country!

• Philippines- as you may know by now, shortly after I wrote my last post about prayer requests, a massive earthquake hit the Philippines recently. The 7.2 magnitude earthquake has affected over 3 million people. Almost 150 have been declared dead so far, and as of Wednesday, 23 were still missing. Many buildings have been destroyed, including a large number of churches. Pray for the country, that they will recover relatively quickly from this disaster. Pray for the families displaced by the quake, and for the people who lost loved ones. The most damage and deaths occurred on Bohol island. 
• Mexico- the people of Mexico's coasts have been dealing with a lot of bad weather lately, due to hurricanes and tropical storms. It's sad- earlier in the week I saw headlines on an American news site that basically said "we don't want to jinx ourselves, but there really wasn't a hurricane season this year!" But just a few weeks ago, hurricanes Ingrid and Manuel killed more than 100 people. Pray for the citizens of Mexico as they brace for more bad weather. Pray for few casualties and a quick response from government and aid organizations. Pray for the safety of the people who live near the coasts. 

That's all I have for now- the websites I check for international news haven't been posting much lately about Compassion countries. Check back next weekend for more News of the World!

News of the World

I'm thinking of doing a semi-regular feature on here sharing some prayer requests. When you become a sponsor, or you adopt from another country, or someone you love is staying overseas, you become acutely aware of what's going on around the world. Suddenly the rest of the world's problems weigh more heavily on your heart. I thought I'd try to compile some news stories from around the world and share them here, so we can pray together for these people we care about.

India- A huge, destructive cyclone is about to hit India. Almost half a million people have been evacuated. You have to wonder how many more people need to be evacuated but can't go, for a variety of reasons. Please pray for the people in the path of this massive storm, that they will stay safe, that the after-affects of a storm like this (such as food and water issues) will be minimal, and that the government and non-profit aid organizations will be able to help quickly and efficiently.

Kenya- The country continues to deal with the aftermath of the devastating terror attack on an upscale mall in Nairobi a few weeks go. Suspects are still being identified, and according to some sources, some people are still missing. Part of the mall ended up collapsing, and there could still be people in the rubble. Pray for Kenya as they deal with this tragedy- they're normally a pretty peaceful country (and the ones behind this attack were not Kenyans.) Pray for the leaders of the nation, that they will make wise decisions about how to deal with this fringe group. Pray for the families who have lost loved ones in the incident. And pray for peace, too.

Haiti- I think we all know there's a long list of ways we can pray for Haiti. Here's a really specific one, though. Haiti recently had an outbreak of cholera. I remember my friend Ashley telling us another adopting couple they knew lost their son to the disease. The thing is, cholera outbreaks aren't really supposed to be happening in Haiti. At least, not where the outbreak was. It has come to light that it looks like some UN workers brought the disease to the country, and thousands ended up dying. Haiti has enough to deal with. They don't need another deadly disease outbreak on top of everything else. Well, from a lot of the articles I've read, the UN appears to accept responsibility for the outbreak, but they aren't going to do anything about it. Kind of like how members of the US military can't actually sue the military- it's a sort of immunity thing. The survivors and family members of the almost 700,000 people who contracted cholera in this outbreak are trying to sue the UN for financial compensation- and to be candid, I believe they deserve it. Just as the Native Americans would have deserved financial compensation when the Europeans brought over smallpox and syphilis and everything else. But I digress. Pray that a just agreement will be reached. Pray that, if they are indeed responsible, the UN does something to make it right. And pray for the families who are still grieving their loved ones. Pray for those who were left weakened or disabled from the disease. Their lives are forever changed by something that wasn't even their fault.

Peru- A truck traveling through the Andes mountains in Peru plunged down a ravine and at least fifty people are dead. Pray for the families of those who died in this terrible tragedy.

Mexico- An indigenous woman recently gave birth on the lawn outside a medical center after she was denied care. Not only was she turned away after coming into the building, but the nurses continued to refuse help (and refuse to ask doctors for help) even though this lady basically had a baby hanging out of her. Beyond praying for this new mama and the health of her baby, there are two prayer requests here, and they both reach beyond Mexico. One, indigenous people are frequently the victims of prejudice in the Americas. It's sad but true. People of indigenous heritage are more likely to live in poverty, more likely to lack an education, and more likely to be treated unfairly. Pray about the inequality that they face on a daily basis. Pray for the kids who are members of these tribes and hold this heritage, that they will grow up knowing they are beautiful and loved no matter what their background is. Pray that the next generation will be different than the last. Also, pray for the maternal care available to women in Mexico and around the world. These women face many hardships when their maternal care is compromised- premature or stillborn babies, underweight children, and other problems plague those women who don't have the same sort of medical care that we do here in the United States. Say what you will about healthcare in our country- no matter what's going on with it, your chances of dying in childbirth here are pretty slim. Not everyone can claim those statistics.